Monday, October 28, 2002
Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 11
KIKI: My Seth troubles may be over.
VANESSA: Wait, look. Chris Collins has stopped to help Seth. … Omigod, he’s moving. Amazing. He’s like … Rasputin or something.
KIKI: The Russian president?
VANESSA: No. You know – the guy they couldn’t kill, back in the ‘40s or whatever? Remember? At Yalta? He’s like that guy.
KIKI: Oh yeah. The booing is getting louder.
VANESSA: Oh, they’re throwing things now … That’s going a little too far.
[Down on the court]
COLLINS: Seth, what in the H-E-double-toothpicks are you doing down here?
SETH: Ow.
COLLINS: Hey, what’s with the pants? Sort of a ‘gansta preppy’ thing.
SETH: Ow. What?
COLLINS: The big pants man. That look is way cool. Mind if I borrow it?
SETH: These aren’t my pants … Ow.
COLLINS: Hey, you better get out of here before K comes out. If he hears you sprained Casey’s ankle …
SETH: I didn’t sprain Casey’s ankle! Casey stepped on my head!
COLLINS: Now don’t blame Casey. He’s pumped. Warmups are his time to shine. We better take you to the trainer’s room.
SETH: I’m fine. Ow.
COLLINS: Oh. … Uh-oh.
SETH: What?
COLLINS: Looks like you’ve had a little … accident. Look at your dockers.
SETH: Fiddlesticks! I gotta get back up to the booth.
[in the booth]
BRAD NESSLER: All righty partner, we’re back.
VITALE: We just witnessed a terrible accident down on the court. One of the Duke players – Casey Sanders, a beautiful, beautiful kid, at least on the inside – was tripped by Seth Davis of CNN. It was a cruel and senseless act.
BRAD NESSLER: Ooo, I hope that wasn’t your last pair of dockers, Dick.
VITALE: I’m not worried about my pants, Brad. I’m concerned for that super scintillating kid. Casey. A Duke kid. A beautiful kid. I mean, on the inside obviously. [sniff]
BRAD NESSLER: Dick, are you crying again? It’s just a light sprain.
VITALE: I’m sorry Brad. … But … first 9/11, now this. … It’s just that Duke kids don’t deserve … [sniff] … Can we go to commercial?
[back up in the stands]
VANESSA: Finally, Seth is running off the floor. The crowd is just showering him with … what are those? capers? And rice cakes?
KIKI: I think so. Oh, he tripped on his pants. … OK, he’s back up. … he’s gone.
VANESSA: Hey, Chip’s back!
CHIP: They didn’t have diet jujubes, so I got you the table water crackers with beluga.
VANESSA: OK, but that means I’ll have to purge later.
KIKI: No problem. Have you seen the new purging trench at Kville? Very convenient.
CHIP: What’d I miss? I heard some booing.
VANESSA: Seth Davis came down looking for Kiki and got run over by the entire Duke team. It was hideous, but in a cool way.
CHIP: Oh. That’ll only make him madder, you know.
KIKI: I’m going back down to the bench.
CHIP: OK, but get back up here with us the moment the game ends. We’ll help get you out of here.
KIKI: Lighten up Chip. I’ll be fine there with Woje.
VANESSA: Woje?
Tomorrow: The second half.
-----------------------------------------------------
PART 12
Coming back from a time out. 30 seconds remaining in the game.
VANESSA: OK, finally time for Kiki’s cheer! Ready? Everybody look for the red light …NOW!
CROWD: Be – ware – the – fi – st! Be – ware – the – fi – st! Be – ware – the – fi – st! Be – ware – the – fi – st! …
[In the broadcast booth.]
BRAD NESSLER: Dick, they are chanting “beware the fist.” Can you explain to our viewers what that means?
VITALE: Sure thing Brad. The student body here … the Crazies … they are such super scintillating Einsteins! They are brainiacs, I tell you Brad!!! Most of them are future Nobel prize winners! And they are so creative … so super scintillating … that it makes you just realize …
BRAD NESSLER: You have no idea, do you Dick?
VITALE: Yes, yes I do Brad. Coach K has a philosophy … As we look at a shot of K’s wife Mickie … what a beautiful lady … I wish she was my wife. Truly I do. Anyway … oh, and there’s a shot of one of K’s daughters. He’s got three beautiful daughters. I’d trade all of my kids for any one of his. Anyway, Coach K has his theory of the fist. I can’t do justice to it here Brad, but you really should hire him to come speak to your organization, you viewers out there. He can explain the fist concept and it will be worth every penny of his $40,000 fee.
BRAD NESSLER: Can you boil it down for us, Dick?
VITALE: I really can’t Brad. Something about a clenched fist being better than an open hand. With a fist, you can punch someone and really hurt them bad. But with the hand, you can only slap them. That’s the gist of it Brad! But hey, what do I know? I’m very, very dumb, Brad!!! Really I AM! But I can tell you this. The Crazies are the pinky rings of the fist. And just look at ‘em. I love those kids.
BRAD NESSLER: No kidding.
VITALE: After the show I’m going body surfing on that crowd.
BRAD NESSLER: Again?
VITALE: Brad, I’m telling you, the feeling of all those hands on you at the same time is like nothing you have ever …
BRAD NESSLER: Gotta interrupt you, partner. It looks like a Furman player has fouled out. Listen to those crazies …
[Back in the stands.]
VANESSA: Poor Kiki. Her cheer got cut short by the referee. That is so unfair!
CHIP: Forget about that! We have to hum now, and point at the guy until he sits down. “AaaahhhhhhhAAAAAAHHHHHHSEEYA!”
VANESSA: Awesome!
CHIP: Yeah, we humiliated him totally!
VANESSA: What if after “aaaahhhh-seeya!” we added “Wouldn’t wanna be ya!!”? Would that be much, much cooler?
CHIP: No it wouldn’t.
VANESSA: You never like any of my ideas Chip!
[The final horn sounds. Vanessa pouts. Chip thinks.]
CHIP: Yes I do Vanessa. It’s just that you are so hot looking that I sometimes don’t really hear you very well.
VANESSA: [smiles] Oh, well, OK then. So where are we binge drinking tonight anyway? Satisfaction?
CHIP: Sure. Satisfaction. Oh, I totally forgot about Kiki. Is she OK?
VANESSA: There she is. She’s on the court, standing behind Wojo. Oh no, Seth’s coming again. And he’s got fresh dockers!
CHIP: Where is she going?
[On the floor.]
WOJO: C’mon Kiki.
KIKI: I can’t go in the locker room, can I?
WOJO: Sure you can. Once it’s open to reporters.
SETH: Kiki!
KIKI: Uh-oh. It’s Seth again.
Tomorrow: Another slapfight?
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PART 13
[Team, plus Kiki, head toward the locker room.]
SETH: Kiki!
KIKI: Uh-oh. It’s Seth again.
[Seth trips on his big pants. Scrambles to his feet.]
WOJO: Kiki, you keep walking. I’ll get Matt to slow him down.
SETH: Kiki!
KIKI: Matt?
WOJO: You know, Matthew Laurance, our radio guy?
KIKI: You mean the guy who used to be on Beverly Hills 90210?
WOJO: Yeah, him. He does a lot of dirty work for us. Hey Matt, help me out here. Matt!
SETH: Kiki!
MATTHEW LAURANCE: Wojo, please. It’s Matthew. Not Matt. Matthew has more gravitas.
WOJO: I don’t really speak Spanish, but all right. Matthew. Can you do me a favor and slow Seth down? He’s bothering my friend here.
LAURANCE: Sure.
[Laurance intercepts Seth, courtside.]
LAURANCE: Seth! Baby. Hey, wonderful to see you, sport. It’s been like forever, hasn’t it? You look super! Are those new pants? That look works for you. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I broke my finger on the set of 90210?
SETH: Several times. Now if you’ll excuse me …
LAURANCE: I was running to catch up with all the other cast members. We were going out after a long shoot. Somehow they forgot to tell me where we were going, and they were all walking pretty fast. I ran to catch up with them and Tiffany Amber-Thiessen’s personal assistant accidentally tripped me, poor thing. I put my hand out to break my fall, and I broke my finger. That’s when I decided to …
SETH: Kiki! … She’s gone. Thanks a lot Mel.
LAURANCE: … leave show business. Acting is really hard work and it’s a very demanding profession and people don't get to see that side of it. There's no question I've had an amazing life and I'm very blessed in many ways. But …
SETH: Will you shut up? I’ve lost Kiki. Where’d they go?
LAURANCE: Who’s Kiki? Never mind. Listen Seth, I don’t have time for this. I’m a much bigger star than you, and I have to get back to the locker room. Coach K needs me. I’m the guy who keeps this team up, keeps them loose, keeps them centered. I’m a loosener and a centerer. I must go, my friend. You understand, do you not?
SETH: You are easily the biggest twit I have ever met.
LAURANCE: Hey, at least my clothes fit me. No, I’m kidding! But hey, let’s not fight Seth. We are both part of the same team, the Duke publicity department. You do TV, I do radio. It’s all good. Right? Friends?
[Laurance extends hand. Seth doesn’t take it.]
SETH: Stop winking at me. Just tell Kiki I’ll be waiting for her outside by the CNN truck.
LAURANCE: Sure thing teammate. Call me, OK? We’ll take a lunch. How’s my hair look?
[In the locker room.]
COACH K: OK, you [bleeps]. Before we let the press in, I’d like to call on Mel Laurance to tell a few jokes. Matt? Where the [bleep] is that Hollywood [bleep]?
LAURANCE: Here I am coach! Had to take care of a problem outside, but I’m back.
COACH K: Well tell your [bleeping] jokes or stories or whatever the [bleep] it is that you do.
LAURANCE: Well, OK. But today, I’d like to get serious for a moment, if I may. It’s no secret that I chose to leave a glamorous Hollywood life to become a part of the Duke family. As you all know, after I left 90210, I turned down several major movie roles including the lead in very big picture -- “Porky’s VII: The Porking” -- to come here to Duke. And it was the right decision. Coach K has been like a second, second father to me, Aaron Spelling being my first second father. Anyway, I’d like to think that maybe I’ve been like a son to Coach K. Would that be fair to say, coach?
COACH K: Not really, no.
LAURANCE: Just the same … maybe an adopted son then?
COACH K: No.
LAURANCE: Or nephew perhaps?
COACH K: Whatever. Get the [bleep] on with it.
LAURANCE: Anyway, being accepted into the warm embrace of the bosom of the Duke family is very special to me. It made me realize that our individual problems don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. That’s why I’m so happy to be a member of this … what I like to call our … band of brothers. Uh-oh … here come the waterworks. [sniff] … I better leave it at that …
[scattered applause]
COACH K: What the [bleep] was that? Chris, let the [bleeping] reporters in.
[Wojo brings Kiki in, as reporters enter]
Tomorrow: Kiki and Wojo spend quality time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 14
[Post game, in the locker room]
KIKI: Wow, are there always this many reporters?
WOJO: Yeah. Coach likes to say that we’re the New York Yankees of college hoops.
KIKI: Do they ever interview you?
WOJO: Not any more, Kiki. [kicks locker]
KIKI: Where’s the shower?
WOJO: Uh, you’re not allowed back there.
KIKI: Of course, not! I know that, silly! I was just trying to get my bearings. Who’s that strange little man over there in the corner, talking to Coach K?
WOJO: That’s Andy Katz. Sportswriter.
KIKI: Why is Coach K giving him a computer disk?
WOJO: Well … promise you’ll keep this to yourself?
KIKI: Yeah.
WOJO: The disk contains articles that Coach would like Andy to … um … write.
KIKI: Hmmm. And Dick Vitale? What’s he doing over there with Chris Collins?
WOJO: Well, two or three times a week, Chris provides Dick with background information on the team, along with autographed shirts and balls and stuff for Dick’s nieces and nephews and grandchildren. We also cover his meals – he likes to go to Dip’s Country Kitchen. Always gets a big plate of chicken necks. Then he asks if they want to take his picture and they always say no.
KIKI: Why is it Chris’s job to talk to Vitale?
WOJO: Coach doesn’t really like to hang around with Dick. Coach is sort of a neat freak and when Dick gets excited – and he always gets excited – he sort of sprays fluids, like sweat, spit, whatever he’s drinking … And when he has a cold or something, forget about it! Coach can’t take that. So Coach lets Chris handle Dick. Chris handles Dick like an old pro.
KIKI: Why is there a spotlight and mirror ball over Duhon’s locker?
WOJO: So many questions! I can tell you about that later. … We can leave now, if you want. We could go somewhere?
KIKI: You wanna come to Satisfaction and binge drink with my friends?
WOJO: Players haven't been allowed to binge drink at Satisfaction anymore, ever since … well, ever since before I was here. Can we binge drink somewhere else?
KIKI: You can just come and eat pizza or something.
WOJO: OK.
[Later, at Satisfaction.]
WOJO: So where are your friends?
KIKI: I assume they’re drunk and hooking up. This is Duke, right?
WOJO: Sorry, silly question.
KIKI: So why do you and Seth Davis hate each other?
WOJO: That’s a long story.
KIKI: I’m all ears.
WOJO: Well, when I played here, Seth worked at the Chronicle. My sophomore year I took a class called “Reeds in the Navajo Arts”. I had trouble with it. Seth was my tutor, and we became friends. Then Seth wrote a column in the Chronicle in which he “graded” all the players, me included. He gave me a C+. I got a little mad about that, but Coach K really hit the roof. He said, “Young man, I absolutely forbid you ever to see Seth again.” When I told Seth I couldn’t see him anymore, he called me a “ninny.” So I scratched him up pretty good. Ever since then we haven’t really spoken.
KIKI: Oh that’s too bad.
WOJO: I think the fact that Coach K also called Seth a [bleeping][bleep] sheep [bleeper] didn’t help either.
KIKI: Well to tell you the truth, Seth’s resemblance to Rudolph Giuliani kind of creeps me out.
WOJO: Yeah. A girl I know who dated him in college. She said that in order for him to … you know, finish … she had to say “Oh, Mr. Mayor! Oh, Mr. Mayor!”
KIKI: Eeew … I’ll never be able to wash that image from my brain.
WOJO: Sorry. So tell me about you.
KIKI: What do I shout?
WOJO: No, what’s your major?
KIKI: Right now I’m an econ major. I’m gonna go work for my Dad’s company, when I’m through at Duke. They are the largest distributor of non-cruelty free cosmetics in the entire tri-state area.
WOJO: You mean New Jersey, New York, and West Virginia?
KIKI: No. Connecticut.
WOJO: Connecticut, New York and West Virginia?
KIKI: No. Let’s just say “the New York area.” Anyway, I’m not really liking all the math in my econ courses. So I’m thinking of switching to anthropology.
WOJO: Anthropology’s good.
KIKI: Yeah. My Dad won’t like it. But I figure, if his company is going to grow, it will have to move into some third world markets. If anyone needs makeup, it’s poor people, right? So an anthropology degree will probably come in pretty handy.
WOJO: Sounds reasonable.
[Awkward silence.]
WOJO: That’s a Prada top, isn’t it?
KIKI: Yeah. So you were gonna tell me about the spotlight above Duhon’s locker.
WOJO: Oh yeah.
Tomorrow: The Prince
----------------------------------------------------------
PART 15
KIKI: So why the spotlight and mirror ball over Chris Duhon’s locker?
WOJO: Well, let me start at the beginning. As you know, Chris Collins and I are assistant coaches.
KIKI: And Johnny.
WOJO: Well, technically yeah. But Johnny’s more like Deputy Head Coach. He barely talks to us.
KIKI: So what does an assistant coach do?
WOJO: Well, lots of things. For example, I am the big man coach for our team.
KIKI: [spits out drink] Shut up!
WOJO: No, I am. I teach the low post players. I do some recruiting. So does Chris. And Chris and I have to take turns helping out certain players.
KIKI: What do you mean “helping out”?
WOJO: Every year, Coach picks one player to be his “Prince.” Someone who is waited on hand and foot, and built up as sort of a God within the program. Last year it was Jason. So, I did his laundry, dusted his chessboard, that sort of thing. The year before, The Prince was Shane. Chris Collins and I take turns waiting on The Prince. I do it one year, Chris the next. I’m just glad that this year it is Chris’s turn.
KIKI: Is that such a good idea?
WOJO: I don’t know. I was Coach’s favorite when I was a player, and I liked it. But he didn’t have The Prince system then. Coach says it helps the Prince “have the confidence to make the right [bleeping] choices in life and on the court.” But I’m not so sure.
KIKI: Why?
WOJO: Because it turned Jason into a prima donna. Why do you think he changed his name to Jay? And Shane – forget about it. Did you know that Shane actually sued that organization of geniuses – you know, the people with the really high I.Q.s. He tried to force them to admit him. You know the organization I mean?
KIKI: Amway?
WOJO: No. That’s not it. It’s like … ‘The Menstrual Society, … or something like that.
KIKI: Hmmm.
WOJO: Anyway, it turns out that they only admit people with an I.Q. of 150 or above. Shane’s was 128. But he just couldn’t let it go. He kept saying, “I must be a genius! Have you heard my vocabulary! I’m superciliously verbose! They’ve gotta let me in!” When he lost his lawsuit, he couldn’t believe it. He kept saying, “I’m so proud of my brain that I wear it on the outside of my head.” Stuff like that. I think that being The Prince made him that way.
KIKI: Well, when you get to be a head coach, you can do away with the Prince thing.
WOJO: Yeah.
KIKI: Who’s gonna be The Prince this year?
WOJO: That’s the answer to your question about the spotlight. It’s Duhon.
KIKI: Ah, I see. Do all Princes get the mirror ball treatment?
WOJO: No, each Prince selects his own décor. Chris likes the mirror ball. Poor Shav. He wanted to be Prince real bad.
KIKI: But he’s just a freshman.
WOJO: That doesn’t matter. Coach favors freshmen. Every year he puts a few upperclassmen suddenly out to pasture. Says it creates “useful tension.” Look at Casey. Something’s gotta give when you only play six guys. Anyway, competition to be The Prince is very competitive. And no wonder. Dick Vitale will talk about The Prince nonstop all season, in every game he does. It can mean upwards of $1 million for The Prince on draft day.
[A young-looking man approaches their table, first eyeing Kiki, then turning to Wojo.]
WOJO: Big Jim, what are you doing here?
BIG JIM: Wojo, what're you doin' man?
WOJO: What do you mean?
BIG JIM: I heard you talking up Duhon to this fine lady. That's my job, man. That's my thing. Why you gotta step on my toes, man?
WOJO: Um, ixnay, Jim. This fine lady -- Kiki -- is with me.
BIG JIM: Oh. I thought … Never mind, man. Nice to meet you miss.
KIKI: What was that all about?
WOJO: Um …
[electronic beeps, to the tune of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’.]
KIKI: Oops, that’s my cell phone.
[Wojo blows out a sigh of relief.]
KIKI: Hello? … Hi Vanessa. Where are you? … OK, that’s what I thought. … Uh-huh … Well, if he’s been drinking that can happen … Uh-huh … Yeah, I’ll see you there.
WOJO: What’s up?
KIKI: Nothing, it turns out. Seems Chip can work hard, but has a little trouble playing hard.
WOJO: I’m not sure I follow you.
KIKI: Never mind. Want to walk me home?
WOJO: Sure!
Monday: Kiki and Wojo alone.
-------------------------------------------------
Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 11
KIKI: My Seth troubles may be over.
VANESSA: Wait, look. Chris Collins has stopped to help Seth. … Omigod, he’s moving. Amazing. He’s like … Rasputin or something.
KIKI: The Russian president?
VANESSA: No. You know – the guy they couldn’t kill, back in the ‘40s or whatever? Remember? At Yalta? He’s like that guy.
KIKI: Oh yeah. The booing is getting louder.
VANESSA: Oh, they’re throwing things now … That’s going a little too far.
[Down on the court]
COLLINS: Seth, what in the H-E-double-toothpicks are you doing down here?
SETH: Ow.
COLLINS: Hey, what’s with the pants? Sort of a ‘gansta preppy’ thing.
SETH: Ow. What?
COLLINS: The big pants man. That look is way cool. Mind if I borrow it?
SETH: These aren’t my pants … Ow.
COLLINS: Hey, you better get out of here before K comes out. If he hears you sprained Casey’s ankle …
SETH: I didn’t sprain Casey’s ankle! Casey stepped on my head!
COLLINS: Now don’t blame Casey. He’s pumped. Warmups are his time to shine. We better take you to the trainer’s room.
SETH: I’m fine. Ow.
COLLINS: Oh. … Uh-oh.
SETH: What?
COLLINS: Looks like you’ve had a little … accident. Look at your dockers.
SETH: Fiddlesticks! I gotta get back up to the booth.
[in the booth]
BRAD NESSLER: All righty partner, we’re back.
VITALE: We just witnessed a terrible accident down on the court. One of the Duke players – Casey Sanders, a beautiful, beautiful kid, at least on the inside – was tripped by Seth Davis of CNN. It was a cruel and senseless act.
BRAD NESSLER: Ooo, I hope that wasn’t your last pair of dockers, Dick.
VITALE: I’m not worried about my pants, Brad. I’m concerned for that super scintillating kid. Casey. A Duke kid. A beautiful kid. I mean, on the inside obviously. [sniff]
BRAD NESSLER: Dick, are you crying again? It’s just a light sprain.
VITALE: I’m sorry Brad. … But … first 9/11, now this. … It’s just that Duke kids don’t deserve … [sniff] … Can we go to commercial?
[back up in the stands]
VANESSA: Finally, Seth is running off the floor. The crowd is just showering him with … what are those? capers? And rice cakes?
KIKI: I think so. Oh, he tripped on his pants. … OK, he’s back up. … he’s gone.
VANESSA: Hey, Chip’s back!
CHIP: They didn’t have diet jujubes, so I got you the table water crackers with beluga.
VANESSA: OK, but that means I’ll have to purge later.
KIKI: No problem. Have you seen the new purging trench at Kville? Very convenient.
CHIP: What’d I miss? I heard some booing.
VANESSA: Seth Davis came down looking for Kiki and got run over by the entire Duke team. It was hideous, but in a cool way.
CHIP: Oh. That’ll only make him madder, you know.
KIKI: I’m going back down to the bench.
CHIP: OK, but get back up here with us the moment the game ends. We’ll help get you out of here.
KIKI: Lighten up Chip. I’ll be fine there with Woje.
VANESSA: Woje?
Tomorrow: The second half.
-----------------------------------------------------
PART 12
Coming back from a time out. 30 seconds remaining in the game.
VANESSA: OK, finally time for Kiki’s cheer! Ready? Everybody look for the red light …NOW!
CROWD: Be – ware – the – fi – st! Be – ware – the – fi – st! Be – ware – the – fi – st! Be – ware – the – fi – st! …
[In the broadcast booth.]
BRAD NESSLER: Dick, they are chanting “beware the fist.” Can you explain to our viewers what that means?
VITALE: Sure thing Brad. The student body here … the Crazies … they are such super scintillating Einsteins! They are brainiacs, I tell you Brad!!! Most of them are future Nobel prize winners! And they are so creative … so super scintillating … that it makes you just realize …
BRAD NESSLER: You have no idea, do you Dick?
VITALE: Yes, yes I do Brad. Coach K has a philosophy … As we look at a shot of K’s wife Mickie … what a beautiful lady … I wish she was my wife. Truly I do. Anyway … oh, and there’s a shot of one of K’s daughters. He’s got three beautiful daughters. I’d trade all of my kids for any one of his. Anyway, Coach K has his theory of the fist. I can’t do justice to it here Brad, but you really should hire him to come speak to your organization, you viewers out there. He can explain the fist concept and it will be worth every penny of his $40,000 fee.
BRAD NESSLER: Can you boil it down for us, Dick?
VITALE: I really can’t Brad. Something about a clenched fist being better than an open hand. With a fist, you can punch someone and really hurt them bad. But with the hand, you can only slap them. That’s the gist of it Brad! But hey, what do I know? I’m very, very dumb, Brad!!! Really I AM! But I can tell you this. The Crazies are the pinky rings of the fist. And just look at ‘em. I love those kids.
BRAD NESSLER: No kidding.
VITALE: After the show I’m going body surfing on that crowd.
BRAD NESSLER: Again?
VITALE: Brad, I’m telling you, the feeling of all those hands on you at the same time is like nothing you have ever …
BRAD NESSLER: Gotta interrupt you, partner. It looks like a Furman player has fouled out. Listen to those crazies …
[Back in the stands.]
VANESSA: Poor Kiki. Her cheer got cut short by the referee. That is so unfair!
CHIP: Forget about that! We have to hum now, and point at the guy until he sits down. “AaaahhhhhhhAAAAAAHHHHHHSEEYA!”
VANESSA: Awesome!
CHIP: Yeah, we humiliated him totally!
VANESSA: What if after “aaaahhhh-seeya!” we added “Wouldn’t wanna be ya!!”? Would that be much, much cooler?
CHIP: No it wouldn’t.
VANESSA: You never like any of my ideas Chip!
[The final horn sounds. Vanessa pouts. Chip thinks.]
CHIP: Yes I do Vanessa. It’s just that you are so hot looking that I sometimes don’t really hear you very well.
VANESSA: [smiles] Oh, well, OK then. So where are we binge drinking tonight anyway? Satisfaction?
CHIP: Sure. Satisfaction. Oh, I totally forgot about Kiki. Is she OK?
VANESSA: There she is. She’s on the court, standing behind Wojo. Oh no, Seth’s coming again. And he’s got fresh dockers!
CHIP: Where is she going?
[On the floor.]
WOJO: C’mon Kiki.
KIKI: I can’t go in the locker room, can I?
WOJO: Sure you can. Once it’s open to reporters.
SETH: Kiki!
KIKI: Uh-oh. It’s Seth again.
Tomorrow: Another slapfight?
------------------------------------------------------------
PART 13
[Team, plus Kiki, head toward the locker room.]
SETH: Kiki!
KIKI: Uh-oh. It’s Seth again.
[Seth trips on his big pants. Scrambles to his feet.]
WOJO: Kiki, you keep walking. I’ll get Matt to slow him down.
SETH: Kiki!
KIKI: Matt?
WOJO: You know, Matthew Laurance, our radio guy?
KIKI: You mean the guy who used to be on Beverly Hills 90210?
WOJO: Yeah, him. He does a lot of dirty work for us. Hey Matt, help me out here. Matt!
SETH: Kiki!
MATTHEW LAURANCE: Wojo, please. It’s Matthew. Not Matt. Matthew has more gravitas.
WOJO: I don’t really speak Spanish, but all right. Matthew. Can you do me a favor and slow Seth down? He’s bothering my friend here.
LAURANCE: Sure.
[Laurance intercepts Seth, courtside.]
LAURANCE: Seth! Baby. Hey, wonderful to see you, sport. It’s been like forever, hasn’t it? You look super! Are those new pants? That look works for you. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I broke my finger on the set of 90210?
SETH: Several times. Now if you’ll excuse me …
LAURANCE: I was running to catch up with all the other cast members. We were going out after a long shoot. Somehow they forgot to tell me where we were going, and they were all walking pretty fast. I ran to catch up with them and Tiffany Amber-Thiessen’s personal assistant accidentally tripped me, poor thing. I put my hand out to break my fall, and I broke my finger. That’s when I decided to …
SETH: Kiki! … She’s gone. Thanks a lot Mel.
LAURANCE: … leave show business. Acting is really hard work and it’s a very demanding profession and people don't get to see that side of it. There's no question I've had an amazing life and I'm very blessed in many ways. But …
SETH: Will you shut up? I’ve lost Kiki. Where’d they go?
LAURANCE: Who’s Kiki? Never mind. Listen Seth, I don’t have time for this. I’m a much bigger star than you, and I have to get back to the locker room. Coach K needs me. I’m the guy who keeps this team up, keeps them loose, keeps them centered. I’m a loosener and a centerer. I must go, my friend. You understand, do you not?
SETH: You are easily the biggest twit I have ever met.
LAURANCE: Hey, at least my clothes fit me. No, I’m kidding! But hey, let’s not fight Seth. We are both part of the same team, the Duke publicity department. You do TV, I do radio. It’s all good. Right? Friends?
[Laurance extends hand. Seth doesn’t take it.]
SETH: Stop winking at me. Just tell Kiki I’ll be waiting for her outside by the CNN truck.
LAURANCE: Sure thing teammate. Call me, OK? We’ll take a lunch. How’s my hair look?
[In the locker room.]
COACH K: OK, you [bleeps]. Before we let the press in, I’d like to call on Mel Laurance to tell a few jokes. Matt? Where the [bleep] is that Hollywood [bleep]?
LAURANCE: Here I am coach! Had to take care of a problem outside, but I’m back.
COACH K: Well tell your [bleeping] jokes or stories or whatever the [bleep] it is that you do.
LAURANCE: Well, OK. But today, I’d like to get serious for a moment, if I may. It’s no secret that I chose to leave a glamorous Hollywood life to become a part of the Duke family. As you all know, after I left 90210, I turned down several major movie roles including the lead in very big picture -- “Porky’s VII: The Porking” -- to come here to Duke. And it was the right decision. Coach K has been like a second, second father to me, Aaron Spelling being my first second father. Anyway, I’d like to think that maybe I’ve been like a son to Coach K. Would that be fair to say, coach?
COACH K: Not really, no.
LAURANCE: Just the same … maybe an adopted son then?
COACH K: No.
LAURANCE: Or nephew perhaps?
COACH K: Whatever. Get the [bleep] on with it.
LAURANCE: Anyway, being accepted into the warm embrace of the bosom of the Duke family is very special to me. It made me realize that our individual problems don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. That’s why I’m so happy to be a member of this … what I like to call our … band of brothers. Uh-oh … here come the waterworks. [sniff] … I better leave it at that …
[scattered applause]
COACH K: What the [bleep] was that? Chris, let the [bleeping] reporters in.
[Wojo brings Kiki in, as reporters enter]
Tomorrow: Kiki and Wojo spend quality time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 14
[Post game, in the locker room]
KIKI: Wow, are there always this many reporters?
WOJO: Yeah. Coach likes to say that we’re the New York Yankees of college hoops.
KIKI: Do they ever interview you?
WOJO: Not any more, Kiki. [kicks locker]
KIKI: Where’s the shower?
WOJO: Uh, you’re not allowed back there.
KIKI: Of course, not! I know that, silly! I was just trying to get my bearings. Who’s that strange little man over there in the corner, talking to Coach K?
WOJO: That’s Andy Katz. Sportswriter.
KIKI: Why is Coach K giving him a computer disk?
WOJO: Well … promise you’ll keep this to yourself?
KIKI: Yeah.
WOJO: The disk contains articles that Coach would like Andy to … um … write.
KIKI: Hmmm. And Dick Vitale? What’s he doing over there with Chris Collins?
WOJO: Well, two or three times a week, Chris provides Dick with background information on the team, along with autographed shirts and balls and stuff for Dick’s nieces and nephews and grandchildren. We also cover his meals – he likes to go to Dip’s Country Kitchen. Always gets a big plate of chicken necks. Then he asks if they want to take his picture and they always say no.
KIKI: Why is it Chris’s job to talk to Vitale?
WOJO: Coach doesn’t really like to hang around with Dick. Coach is sort of a neat freak and when Dick gets excited – and he always gets excited – he sort of sprays fluids, like sweat, spit, whatever he’s drinking … And when he has a cold or something, forget about it! Coach can’t take that. So Coach lets Chris handle Dick. Chris handles Dick like an old pro.
KIKI: Why is there a spotlight and mirror ball over Duhon’s locker?
WOJO: So many questions! I can tell you about that later. … We can leave now, if you want. We could go somewhere?
KIKI: You wanna come to Satisfaction and binge drink with my friends?
WOJO: Players haven't been allowed to binge drink at Satisfaction anymore, ever since … well, ever since before I was here. Can we binge drink somewhere else?
KIKI: You can just come and eat pizza or something.
WOJO: OK.
[Later, at Satisfaction.]
WOJO: So where are your friends?
KIKI: I assume they’re drunk and hooking up. This is Duke, right?
WOJO: Sorry, silly question.
KIKI: So why do you and Seth Davis hate each other?
WOJO: That’s a long story.
KIKI: I’m all ears.
WOJO: Well, when I played here, Seth worked at the Chronicle. My sophomore year I took a class called “Reeds in the Navajo Arts”. I had trouble with it. Seth was my tutor, and we became friends. Then Seth wrote a column in the Chronicle in which he “graded” all the players, me included. He gave me a C+. I got a little mad about that, but Coach K really hit the roof. He said, “Young man, I absolutely forbid you ever to see Seth again.” When I told Seth I couldn’t see him anymore, he called me a “ninny.” So I scratched him up pretty good. Ever since then we haven’t really spoken.
KIKI: Oh that’s too bad.
WOJO: I think the fact that Coach K also called Seth a [bleeping][bleep] sheep [bleeper] didn’t help either.
KIKI: Well to tell you the truth, Seth’s resemblance to Rudolph Giuliani kind of creeps me out.
WOJO: Yeah. A girl I know who dated him in college. She said that in order for him to … you know, finish … she had to say “Oh, Mr. Mayor! Oh, Mr. Mayor!”
KIKI: Eeew … I’ll never be able to wash that image from my brain.
WOJO: Sorry. So tell me about you.
KIKI: What do I shout?
WOJO: No, what’s your major?
KIKI: Right now I’m an econ major. I’m gonna go work for my Dad’s company, when I’m through at Duke. They are the largest distributor of non-cruelty free cosmetics in the entire tri-state area.
WOJO: You mean New Jersey, New York, and West Virginia?
KIKI: No. Connecticut.
WOJO: Connecticut, New York and West Virginia?
KIKI: No. Let’s just say “the New York area.” Anyway, I’m not really liking all the math in my econ courses. So I’m thinking of switching to anthropology.
WOJO: Anthropology’s good.
KIKI: Yeah. My Dad won’t like it. But I figure, if his company is going to grow, it will have to move into some third world markets. If anyone needs makeup, it’s poor people, right? So an anthropology degree will probably come in pretty handy.
WOJO: Sounds reasonable.
[Awkward silence.]
WOJO: That’s a Prada top, isn’t it?
KIKI: Yeah. So you were gonna tell me about the spotlight above Duhon’s locker.
WOJO: Oh yeah.
Tomorrow: The Prince
----------------------------------------------------------
PART 15
KIKI: So why the spotlight and mirror ball over Chris Duhon’s locker?
WOJO: Well, let me start at the beginning. As you know, Chris Collins and I are assistant coaches.
KIKI: And Johnny.
WOJO: Well, technically yeah. But Johnny’s more like Deputy Head Coach. He barely talks to us.
KIKI: So what does an assistant coach do?
WOJO: Well, lots of things. For example, I am the big man coach for our team.
KIKI: [spits out drink] Shut up!
WOJO: No, I am. I teach the low post players. I do some recruiting. So does Chris. And Chris and I have to take turns helping out certain players.
KIKI: What do you mean “helping out”?
WOJO: Every year, Coach picks one player to be his “Prince.” Someone who is waited on hand and foot, and built up as sort of a God within the program. Last year it was Jason. So, I did his laundry, dusted his chessboard, that sort of thing. The year before, The Prince was Shane. Chris Collins and I take turns waiting on The Prince. I do it one year, Chris the next. I’m just glad that this year it is Chris’s turn.
KIKI: Is that such a good idea?
WOJO: I don’t know. I was Coach’s favorite when I was a player, and I liked it. But he didn’t have The Prince system then. Coach says it helps the Prince “have the confidence to make the right [bleeping] choices in life and on the court.” But I’m not so sure.
KIKI: Why?
WOJO: Because it turned Jason into a prima donna. Why do you think he changed his name to Jay? And Shane – forget about it. Did you know that Shane actually sued that organization of geniuses – you know, the people with the really high I.Q.s. He tried to force them to admit him. You know the organization I mean?
KIKI: Amway?
WOJO: No. That’s not it. It’s like … ‘The Menstrual Society, … or something like that.
KIKI: Hmmm.
WOJO: Anyway, it turns out that they only admit people with an I.Q. of 150 or above. Shane’s was 128. But he just couldn’t let it go. He kept saying, “I must be a genius! Have you heard my vocabulary! I’m superciliously verbose! They’ve gotta let me in!” When he lost his lawsuit, he couldn’t believe it. He kept saying, “I’m so proud of my brain that I wear it on the outside of my head.” Stuff like that. I think that being The Prince made him that way.
KIKI: Well, when you get to be a head coach, you can do away with the Prince thing.
WOJO: Yeah.
KIKI: Who’s gonna be The Prince this year?
WOJO: That’s the answer to your question about the spotlight. It’s Duhon.
KIKI: Ah, I see. Do all Princes get the mirror ball treatment?
WOJO: No, each Prince selects his own décor. Chris likes the mirror ball. Poor Shav. He wanted to be Prince real bad.
KIKI: But he’s just a freshman.
WOJO: That doesn’t matter. Coach favors freshmen. Every year he puts a few upperclassmen suddenly out to pasture. Says it creates “useful tension.” Look at Casey. Something’s gotta give when you only play six guys. Anyway, competition to be The Prince is very competitive. And no wonder. Dick Vitale will talk about The Prince nonstop all season, in every game he does. It can mean upwards of $1 million for The Prince on draft day.
[A young-looking man approaches their table, first eyeing Kiki, then turning to Wojo.]
WOJO: Big Jim, what are you doing here?
BIG JIM: Wojo, what're you doin' man?
WOJO: What do you mean?
BIG JIM: I heard you talking up Duhon to this fine lady. That's my job, man. That's my thing. Why you gotta step on my toes, man?
WOJO: Um, ixnay, Jim. This fine lady -- Kiki -- is with me.
BIG JIM: Oh. I thought … Never mind, man. Nice to meet you miss.
KIKI: What was that all about?
WOJO: Um …
[electronic beeps, to the tune of ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’.]
KIKI: Oops, that’s my cell phone.
[Wojo blows out a sigh of relief.]
KIKI: Hello? … Hi Vanessa. Where are you? … OK, that’s what I thought. … Uh-huh … Well, if he’s been drinking that can happen … Uh-huh … Yeah, I’ll see you there.
WOJO: What’s up?
KIKI: Nothing, it turns out. Seems Chip can work hard, but has a little trouble playing hard.
WOJO: I’m not sure I follow you.
KIKI: Never mind. Want to walk me home?
WOJO: Sure!
Monday: Kiki and Wojo alone.
-------------------------------------------------
Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
